We had a difficult journey to becoming parents, full of ups and downs. We suffered two miscarriages along the way. When I was going through the first miscarriage, I found comfort in reading other women's stories. I had no idea how common miscarriages are because it's just not something that is talked about often. I also was thankful to read about what exactly happens during a miscarriage. It helped me to prepare mentally for what was about to happen. That is the purpose of this post. I want other women who might be dealing with pregnancy loss to know what to expect and to break the silence.
RJ and I decided to start a family in December of 2010. We had been married for 4 years at that point, and we felt like we were truly ready. In my mind, I thought it would take about 3 to 4 months to conceive. After 6 months, I began to get a little concerned. We were young and healthy ya know? I sent RJ to get some tests done, because testing the guy is just easier. When his tests came back normal, I was a mixture of relieved and bummed. "It must be me," is what instantly popped into my mind. By July I decided I needed to go to my doctor to start the discussion of what might be hindering us. When the day of my appointment came, I realized I was 2 days late. I didn't think anything of it, because I had been late before. I took a test just to make sure, and it was POSITIVE! I was elated and immediately started crying. That night, RJ and I celebrated. I was on cloud nine. We told our parents and other extended family members. My due date was April 13, 2011. It was just such a joyous time.
About a week later, I started bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to where I felt like I needed to call the doctor. I honestly expected them to tell me everything was fine and not to worry. I was actually surprised when they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed an empty sac. The doctor talked to me about a blighted ovum, but said he wasn't losing hope just yet and to come back in a week. I continued to have light bleeding until the end of the pregnancy. The next week, the ultrasound showed a fetal pole. This is the group of cells that become an embryo. However, by this point I was 6.4 weeks along, and we were hoping to see an embryo with a heartbeat. My hormone levels were also no where near what they should be - not even close to doubling. The doctor wanted to schedule a D&C, but I just couldn't do it. My baby was still alive; it had grown from the previous week. It just was no where near where it needed to be. We were told to come back again the next week for another ultrasound. The next scan showed that our baby actually had a flicker of a heartbeat! We were all so thankful and shocked, but still very much on edge. I was still felt like I was in this horrible gray area. I was still bleeding, and my hormone levels were still way too low. The past 3 weeks had been so emotionally draining. That was one of the hardest things about the whole experience - the not knowing for sure what was going to happen and having to prepare mentally for both outcomes. RJ and I had the conversation about what we would do if I miscarried. We decided we would bury our baby in the backyard by our tree.
It was Monday morning, September 4th, about 4 am. I was 8 weeks and 4 days along. I awoke to strong and rhythmic cramping. I knew instantly it was time. These were contractions. RJ woke up when he heard me trying to manage my breathing. **This is where things will get more graphic, so feel free to skip ahead, but remember my purpose is for others who might be dealing with this to know what to expect.** I ran to the bathroom and passed a blood clot. The contractions were back to back. I went to sit by myself (I wanted to be alone) on the couch in the living room. I instinctively would push during the contractions and then I felt something. I went back to the bathroom and passed an amniotic sac about the size of a large grape. I immediately scooped it up and held in my hands sobbing and shaking. RJ came in, and I kept saying "I don't know what to do,". My mind had completely fogged up. He took me outside, and we buried our baby. While we were outside, it started to rain. It hadn't rained in weeks. I felt like it was God crying with us. We decided to name our baby Blue, as sapphire is September's birthstone. We took the next several weeks and months to grieve. Several times, I felt like I was really losing my mind. You see, I still had all those pregnancy hormones to come down off of, but I didn't have the happy ones that come when you have a baby. RJ was so patient with me.
A few weeks after, I had an appointment with a new doctor, who I had heard wonderful things about. I remember crying in her office telling her of our journey so far. She just hugged me and told me about her miscarriage as well. After talking with her, she told me that she believed I had endometriosis, which creates a harsh environment and makes it hard to conceive. We decided that if I hadn't conceived again by December (which would be a year of trying), I would have surgery to fix everything.
I had the surgery in January 2012, and conceived the very next month. This time, a positive pregnancy test didn't bring elation but instead cautiousness. I was so on edge. I immediately started going to the doctor every week to get my hormone levels checked. They were VERY high (YAY!). RJ and I were optimistic. I started have morning sickness around 5 weeks (which is pretty early), and I was never so thankful to throw up. Morning sickness typically means a healthy pregnancy, and it's something I didn't experience the first time. My hormone levels were so high, that I started wondering if it was twins. Twins don't run in our families so I brushed the thought off, but it stayed in the back of my head.
I had an ultrasound done at 7 weeks, and it showed the possibility of a collapsed sac of a twin. At nine weeks, we got confirmation through another scan that we had one healthy baby thriving, but we had in fact lost a twin. It's called Vanishing Twin, and it's very different than the typical miscarriage. You don't pass anything. Your body just reabsorbs everything. If I had not had that 7 week ultrasound, we would have never known about our little Twinkie (what we named it).
So if you are keeping track, I have been pregnant twice, with 3 babies, and given birth to one. Some people tell me that I should just be thankful for the baby that I have. Believe me, I am. Iris brings so much joy to our lives. However, that doesn't diminish my grief or sadness over the ones that I have yet to meet. I still mourn them. Writing this post brings on the tears.
I want other women to know that pregnancy loss is common (1 in 4). For those who are going through it, every thing you are feeling is good/normal/acceptable.
Please feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.
emilysewell0@gmail.com
